'My Monkey Died': 31 lamest excuses for missing work

You know they’re really at the beach (or the mountains or their own backyard), but they have to offer some excuse why they won’t be making it into the office that day. Here are some of the craziest.

Summer is in full swing. And besides an increase in the number of iced coffees and sunburns you see around the office, there’s likely a sharp uptick in the number of call-outs — particularly on Mondays and Fridays.

That’s why we compiled this list of the 31 lamest excuses for missing work. Let’s hope you’ve never heard any of these:

1. I was kicked by a deer.
2. I donated too much blood.
3. My girlfriend’s dog is stuck under the house.
4. I’m on my cell phone, locked in a restroom stall and there’s no one around to let me out.
5. I have a bad case of the hiccups.
6. My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.
7. My curlers burned my hair, and I have to go to the hairdresser.
8. I don’t want to lose the parking space in front of my house.
9. My wife burned all my clothes, and I have nothing to wear to work.
10. I have the three-day measles.
11. A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and keeps charging me every time I try to go from my house to the car.
12. My dog swallowed my bus pass.
13. I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
14. I forgot what day of the week it is.
15. I hit a turkey while riding a bike.
16. I swallowed too much mouthwash.
17. My grandma died. (This was the sixth time that year!)
18. My wife won’t let me come to work because I have a lot of chores to do around the house.
19. I was spit on by a venomous snake.
20. My dog was stressed out after a family reunion.
21. My psychic told me to stay home.
22. Someone slipped something in my drink.
23. A skunk got into my house and sprayed all my uniforms.
24. I blew my nose so hard, I threw my back out.
25. I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.
26. I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
27. My breast implants don’t match.
28. I was poisoned by my mother-in-law.
29. I couldn’t find my shoes.
30. My monkey died.
31. I broke my leg snowboarding off my roof while drunk.

Heard some doozies of your own? Share them here.