Why We Hate Feedback – And 5 Ways To Really Learn From It

We talk a lot about giving feedback. After all, if you’re reading this, you’re likely a boss in Finance and have to give feedback to at least one employee.

But what about receiving feedback? You probably do that, too. From your boss. Maybe even clients and vendors.

Regardless of which side of feedback you’re on, there’s still a good chance you don’t like it.

Learning to Not Hate Feedback

Researchers Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone, who had their work published in the Harvard Business Review, say their studies indicate most of us don’t know how to accept and use feedback wisely.

If you think about it, when you receive feedback, you’re in total control of how effective it is. For instance, the sender can deliver the best message ever put together, but if you aren’t open to the message, it might as well be in a foreign language.

So how do you set yourself up to field feedback and use it to your advantage?

Know the ‘Triggers’

First, the researchers said you want to consider the three main barriers to receiving it. Once you know what they are, you can remove them.

Those barriers — better known as “triggers” because they cause us to shut down and/or put up defenses that act as walls between you and the person giving feedback — include:

1. Truth triggers. They’re set off by the content of the feedback. When an assessment or advice seems off-base or simply untrue, we tend to get angry. Instead of digging for the truth or working to clarify the message, we shut down — and shut out the message and the messenger.
2. Relationship triggers. They’re tripped by the person providing the feedback. It usually doesn’t matter what the message is; you’d probably reject it just because of who’s delivering the message. You might feel the person isn’t qualified to give the feedback. Or you think the person has never really appreciated your efforts. It’s just part of a pattern of negative responses. Or maybe you just plain don’t like the person giving the report.
3. Identity triggers. These are all about your relationship with yourself. Feedback that’s less than adoring might throw off your sense of who you are. You see yourself as someone who works hard and does a good job. When the assessment message strays from any perception of yourself, you might ignore it.

Solutions to Rejection

All these responses are natural and reasonable — and often unavoidable. The solution is to overcome the triggers and get the most out of the response itself.

To do that, try these strategies:

• Know your triggers. Take another look at the three triggers above. You likely have one. Get familiar with it. Learn to recognize when that trigger is pulled — and figure out ways to stop putting up the walls that shut out what you need to hear.
• Ask for it. Part of the problem with feedback is that we’re unprepared for it and we don’t control it. So request it — and frame the request in a way that’s comfortable for you. Example: “I think I could have done a better job on the Jones account. Can you give me some ideas for improvement?”
• Dig in. Sometimes feedback is vague. And that leaves more room for false judgment and dismissal. So before you decide to take, leave or resent feedback, ask more questions to clarify. For instance, ask, “When you say I tend to do X, what do you mean?” “Please give me examples of when I’ve done that and how I might have better reacted.” Or “What were your expectations when I fell short?”
• Get it in small bites. The old “How am I doing?” question opens the door to a flood of criticism, and no one enjoys that. Focus the assessment on a small area, as part of your request. Example: “What’s one thing I could have done better to improve my work on the Jones account?”
• Get a variety. You may have serious doubts about someone’s opinion or the advice you’re getting. Get more of it — from different people. That way, you can see if patterns develop about any feedback or criticism you get. Example: If three people tell you that you don’t return messages promptly, that’s a pretty good indicator you need to work on that part of your job.